Life, College, and All That Other Crap!

I’ve been thinking a lot about the future lately, as I am at a decision point with my education, career, future, all those things that seem to rattle my brain. Realistically my brain does not actually want to give me answers, it just wants to annoying me.

And yes, the Nagging Little Girl is back.

I went in to see my advisory for college, as I am 90% complete with my bachelors degree. She was supposed to have some kind of profound answers and great insight. Instead, she messed up telling me what I actually need to graduate, so hence I am all confused. (GO FIGURE!)

Any-Who

I am at a point where I am thinking why are we here? (Deep thoughts come from minor issues for me) So I am trying to figure out the purpose of mine, and others existence here on Earth. Often we are told you are here to make a difference, touch a life, those sentimental things. But then I think, well why? Why is there someone who needs that? Are we all just here for someone else? What was the point of that? It’s like a big ball of want/need going in an endless spin cycle (which reminds me, my dryer sucks!)

So while I struggle for some philosophical answer, I ponder college.

Do I get a Masters degree? And why? How will more student loans benefit me? The Husband actually brought up several good points…1st was if I wanted to work the type of job a maters degree required (long hours, stress, management of some kind, etc.) 2nd was that I don’t have to go right after I finish my bachelors. But I say yes I do, because I am realllllllyyyyyy done with homework. Learning is fine, tests are not! Let’s not mention the ever rising costs of education.

So then I think about how a Masters would benefit me. Better position, possibly better  job security, better pay. Yet more student loans, more time in school. Leading to my second career of writing getting less and less of my attention. Which I don’t want.

I don’t want to live life trying to bet the system of career goals, working just for money, but no time to spend it. Of course what can you do with little money??

A small part of me is worried I won’t pass the two required math type classes needed for a Masters. I barely passed them at the bachelor level. Yet I worry that I will be nothing important if all I have is a bachelors degree, (but isn’t that what most get anyway?? Do I want to be like everyone else)

That Nagging Little Girl, thinks it’s a cop-out on my end. So why not shoot for the stars, even if I am not sure why I am shooting for the stars. While all I can see is a bunch of stars shooting in different directions, falling, raising, crashing…

Lost in College

The two-hundred page book is held just above the open dictionary laying across her stomach.

She reads, then searches the pages of the dictionary for some form of understanding. Returns to the reading, then stumbles yet again, and is back to the dictionary.

Often times she can’t make it through an entire sentence. Apparently this is university work, not community college work, apparently this is struggling, apparently this is stressful.

Did she miss something along the way? Time and effort are factors, but merely not enough at this point. It seems to have gone from step 1, 2, 3 then right to 7. Although she often understands miniscule pieces of text, ones that someway link back to her associates degree. The rest is lost in translation.

She has contemplated the masters program, after earning this, her bachelors, but that was before she sat on the couch, dictionary and textbook inches from each other, as she becomes lost in thoughts of what she is doing, or what she is struggling with as she zones out on complete paragraphs.

How can one be called intellectual and articulate, but struggle immensely within the context of school, which provides the stability of a career?

She feels like she is drowning under a pile of words, phrases, and discussions.

Even the Nagging Little Girl has dropped her lollipop and is looking aimlessly for it on the ground…she’s in near tears.

(5 minute fiction, equals real life fiction)

Writing the Greenhorn Way

Most people associate the word greenhorn with the TV show The Deadliest Catch. But for now I’m going to switch it up on all the fishermen out there and use it as it might pertain to writing.

I often feel like I’m amidst a bunch of writers who have it all going on. They have all their routines, and pencils in a line. They get the ins and outs, ups and downs, and usually have something to show for it.

They know right and wrong, front and back. But at times I feel like I’m out there all alone, slipping and falling, hammering away at the “ice” and getting picked on.

Frankly I’m often “sea sick” and want to just get off the boat. Maybe this isn’t the place for me, but yet I love it at the same time.

I thought that I knew what I was doing when I started, I sure looked like I did, but over time the doubt has crept back in like a crashing wave…it’s true I might be capsized.

Adding on top of my already weak “sea legs” I feel like I’m not doing enough…or whatever it’s called. I haven’t written anything in over two months, other than this blog. I’m feeling like the clock is ticking, as the market is changing, and surely not for the better. Even if I was to jump back in the ice-cold water, I feel I’d drowned for sure.

Much like on a fishing boat, writing has its rules, publishing has its rules. Sure you can go about it your own way, maybe it will work, but maybe it won’t.

I’m one to give up, but never quit, if that makes sense…

Has the joy left for writing, or is it just shoved under the facts of life and needs to be dug out?

People often say, “Take a break, then come back!” Ummm…well I kinda am right now, but I don’t want to be. I want to write, right now! I want to do it all, but can’t, or won’t, or don’t. I find excuses. But that nagging little girl is still there, in the back of my mind, nearly everyday…”Hello,” she says, smacking away on her candy, “write or something, you are just wasting life!”

As long as I don’t have to bite the head off a Hearing I think I will keep trying….for now…

The Facebook Project – Day 4

Day 3 continued…

I actually forgot about Facebook for nearly most of the afternoon and far into the night. It wasn’t until everything in life was going wrong when I remembered and couldn’t log in. Completely frustrated, I needed to vent, and to, apparently, a lot of people at once. Yet I refrained…

Day 4

7:45 seriously just want to log into Facebook so I can see what everyone is up to!

10:55 I think I feel less stressed, but miss all the drama Facebook can bring.

11:09 and I’m starting to think no one really cares that they haven’t had the joy of hearing a status update from me! Depressed almost…

2:05 trying to figure out if tomorrow, at noon, when I’m “allowed” back on, if I will go back and read all that I missed over the last 5 days…or if I should just consider it the past and not look…but how can I not look. The nagging little girl, is POKING ME, with her sticky, chewed up Tootsie Roll Pop chanting: “check, check, check!” At least I finally got poked!

The Facebook Project – Day 3

Day 2 continued…

2:37 going crazy without Facebook. I’m reading in my college textbook, about prisons and it says “people are naturally social, to confine them is unnatural.” Someone help! I’ve caused myself to be unnatural!!!

4:04 my mind is not consumed by what others are doing, leaving me with lots of time to think about myself…too much thinking about myself.

6:34 during a commercial, so tempted to just look really quick at Facebook, eat candy instead.

I’m starting to become aware of the nagging little girl who I’ve spoken about before. (The one wearing flip-flops) She is telling me no one will know if I just get on Facebook really quick and look. I find it hard to believe her as she looks preoccupied chewing her Tootsie Roll Pop.

Day 3

I wake up in the morning, and I’m so NOT “feeling like P-Diddy.” For sure he has checked his Facebook account this morning.

10:57 starting to wonder why no one has noticed I’m not on Facebook…surely one of my Facebook “Friends” must miss me…

11:00 someone POKE ME!!!!!! dang it!!!

Starting to wonder if my time stamped thoughts posted on this blog is a “form of status updates” minus Facebook?!?!

12:34 probably is

The Need To Accomplish…

Who doesn’t want to accomplish a list of goals in life? Or just simply do a few more things?

I have a constant nagging little girl in my head. She jumps up and down far too often, that must explain the headaches, and she keeps me thinking at all hours of the day. On some days, I envision she is wearing shorts, a tank top and flip-flops, and other days she is in a fiery Sarah Palin type outfit as she crosses her legs and kicks her high-heel shoe off and on as she bounces her leg. Either way someone won’t stop feeding the little girl sugar.

This girl constantly reminds me of all the things I wish to accomplish, big and small. For starters I want to take a cake decorating class, horseback riding lessons, return to tap dancing lessons, go skiing again, and get into photography. Sure I can combined some of these, although I’m not sure the horse would be willing to allow me to wear skis and walk in deep snow while I photograph it.

Then there are the travel plans…visit every US state, and a few outside the US. Marvel in meeting with new people and ways of life.

Chase tornadoes, swim with dolphins, go snorkeling…NOT scuba diving, but snorkeling. Snorkeling with be fun, scuba diving would cause me to puke.

Of course I have things I want to accomplish with my house (pool, paint, landscape, decor, furniture) and my life: Get my books published, write a few screenplays…then have those picked up by a movie studio, be an action star, singer, print model, learn another language, change someones life, have an awesome job, (oh right, finish my bachelors) raise more dogs, feel better about myself, have a house built from my floor-plan, meet Faith Hill, start-up my own magazine, feel accomplished…yes I said it, I have a goal to feel accomplished on top of all my accomplishments.

My list of accomplishments is always growing and it seems like I won’t ever be able to complete any of them. I get this feeling that I don’t do anything of great (even normal) value if it doesn’t get crossed off the list. I am also constantly go-go-go only to end each day feeling like I accomplished NOTHING.

I have accomplished a few things in life, although, of course, they seem like nothing to me, or not good enough. Example: I quilted, all by hand, a blanket with all of mine and my husband’s old baby clothes and blankets. But I found out how he really felt when I did my “TA-DA” moment: “If we get divorced I will have to cut it in half so we can each have our stuff,” I say. “Nah, it’s okay you can keep it…all,” he replies. Well, it was a goal, not a 4-H contest. 

At times I feel like my puppy…when everyone else is playing together in class, I go over to my teacher and proudly, but slowly, SIT so she notices my accomplishment and hopefully gives me a treat…I can play later.