Dog and Awesome – Happy February

Hi everyone, it’s Dog.

Annnddd I am here too, it’s Awesome!

Dog: We just wanted to talk a little about life.

Awesome: That is correct. We wanted to share with you how wonderful our life is.

Dog: Well we don’t want to sound egotistical Awesome.

Awesome: No, we don’t sound like Eggos. Mmmmmm Eggos!!

Dog: No, not Eggos, nevermind. Okay we are here to say, we have it really great. And we think that everyone should find the greatness in their life, somehow.

Awesome: Yes, find your greatness…find your Awesomeness!! HAHAHA

Dog: Awesome, stop laughing, be mature, you are not a puppy anymore.

Awesome: It went well with the sentence, sorry, gosh.

Dog: February is here, get out, enjoy life, stay positive!

Awesome: And find your balls!

Dog: That was not good advise! People will read that as something else entirely. They have no idea that you are talking about how happy you are with your tennis balls.

Awesome: Well now they know, you told them. Balls!!!

Dog: Stop Awesome, just…stop.

The Return of Awesome and Dog!

I'm glad Dog is back, but he is in my spot.

 

Okay, it’s Awesome here and I am so happy to be back!! And Dog is even back too!!! Are you excited?! Did you miss us?!

Dog: What are you doing?

Awesome: I’m telling everyone that you are back, well, I am back too! I have not blogged in a long time!

Dog: Yeah, I am back. And you not blogging is probably best. Have you bought any Orbit yet? I see that dirty mouth hasn’t changed.

Awesome: No Dog, I don’t want to go to space. But you are back in my life and I am so excited!

Dog: Calm down, I’m not excited, just you.

Awesome: How can you not be excited?!?! Haven’t you missed me?

Dog: No, I missed the car rides, you are confusing my excitement. I was excited for a car ride. I’m ready for my car ride back.

Awesome: Back? Back where? No you are here and this is where you should be. I was whining a lot and Mom finally got the hint. She is smart like that!

Dog: If Mom was smart she would give me a car ride.

car ride? Car Ride? CAR RIDE?

HELP! Mom is drowning my stuffed friends!

PROOF! Just look at them!!!!

Oh my!! You will not believe what has happened. Oh yeah, it’s Awesome, hi.

My mom, she was drowning my stuffed friends today. In the bathroom sink! Right in front of my face! Oh the horror!

I could hear their gurgled squeaks as she squished and squeezed them in that bubbly water! And now they are just sitting there, wet and limp!

Oh thank gosh Dog is here.

“Dog! Dog! Did you see? Did you see what Mom did!?”

“What? Wash your filthy stuffed animals?”

“What? What do you mean wash. She DROWNED them!”

“No, she washed them because they were dirty from all the places you drag them, hell you are like a mix of Pig-Pen and Linus from Peanuts…your toys are dirty and you always have one with you.”

“I’m a Pig-Lin what? Wait…so my stuffed friends…they will make it? They are okay?”

“As soon as she puts them in the dryer, they’ll be fine.”

“THE DRYER!?!”

The Good and Bad of Play-dates

Hi Everyone, it’s Awesome and I am so happy to be on here to tell you about my play-date!!!

Where do I start my story of the good and bad of a play-date?

Let’s start with The Friend’s puppy’s name. I don’t know it. No one ever bothers to tell me, and I should know it, we are friends. But I think I figured out what his name is. See, I was watching A&E the other day, as mom had left it on. I think A&E stands for Abuse & Education. I saw that Dog the Bounty Hunter show. Of course I am not sure why that man is called that, he is clearly not a dog.  But I got why it was on Abuse & Education channel, because Dog the Bounty Hunter yells and swears and throws people down, that would be the abuse part, then for the eduction part he goes on and on about how much he loves them. What a great guy!! You can never have too much love!! But after that show, a program about crack cocaine came on.  That was very informative, and I now know The Friend’s puppy’s name.

The Friend’s puppy’s name is Cracky. We have a lot of fun, and I was so excited to finally know his name on the play-date!! So Dad takes me over to see Cracky, I am excited and happy to see Cracky, but Cracky is crazy! We play and play and I am so happy, but I get tired and lay down and Cracky just climbs over me and bites me to keep playing. I am not sure why A&E didn’t talk about the effect of crack on puppies.

I really need a friend like the one I saw on TV a little bit ago, this bouncy guy by the name of Tigger. He looks to be a great friend for a play-date.

GOOD: Play-dates are fun, even with Cracky, because I love his energy.

BAD: Cracky can be a bit much even for happy and playful me!

Best Dinner – Economically

(I figured while I am still on day four of the cell phone project…let’s break it up and post about something else today…I’ill conclude with day four and day five of the Cell Phone Project tomorrow.)

There is nothing worse than eating an expensive meal at home or out, and leaving still hungry or broke.

That is why it is without a doubt…the most economical meal/dinner in my book…

Mac & Cheese!

1. Often times the big deluxe box of Kraft is on sale for 99 cents (stock up!!)

2. It can feed two people, unless one eats a lot, then one very hungry person.

3. You can add left-over chicken to the meal to turn it into a two person dinner, or again, one very, very hungry person.

4. It is filling.

5. You can use the steam from the noodles, when you strain it, as a mini steam facial. (you are welcome ladies)

6. It is easy to make, requires nothing but a pot, water, spoon to mix it up, and a strainer, and easy clean up.

ENJOY!

Dear Costco

Dear Costco,

It has been a while since my last letter to you, I’ve been busy. A few days ago I had the pleasure of being in your store, yet I have a complaint. Somehow I ended up with the worst shopping cart in the entire store.

As a petite woman I already look ridiculous in your store of mega size items, most of which I can’t even get a grip on as they slide to the floor. However, I usually go with The Husband, but this time I went alone. So added to my pettiness was this awful cart! It didn’t steer where I need it to, then as I piled items into the cart it got worse. As I rounded every corner I made a face, which all the guys in the store either took as A) feel sorry for the petite chick trying to push a cart that is clearly bigger and heavy then her or B) they enjoyed what they thought was a sex face expression.

The worst of it came when I tried adding a 40 pound bag of dog food to the cart, as I shoved my foot behind the wheel to keep the cart from moving, I think I might have pulled something. Then there was a point when I couldn’t get the cart to stop fast enough and nearly took out a nearby child who insisted  he get the 800 pack of chocolate milk and that flailing his arms around would help in the matter. His mom didn’t seem to mind that I almost cart-killed him.

In closing I will say that while I respect your store and your ability to make me buy things in packs of ten, the carts need to be reviewed, take them through some inspections.

Sincerely,

What Is With The Mini Size Candy Bars!! That’s Just Rude!

Puppy Becomes Awesome: Happy 1st Birthday To Me!

Today is my 1^st birthday, and I am excited. Although I am not sure as to why, since I have yet to see any balloons or cake. Isn’t that what is supposed to happen on birthdays?

I am guessing Mom, yep, not Mama anymore, I am a big boy, so Mom is busy, so I figured she wouldn’t mind if I got on her blog and spoke about all that has been going on.
We live in a new place now, it’s rather nice, and has a giant water bowl outside! I am not sure as to why Mom calls it a pool and insists that I do not drink from it, although I still try too. I would prefer if she and Dad didn’t swim in my water bowl, regardless of if I can drink from it or not. They did that a few times when we first got here. I find it rather rude. I just hope they didn’t pee in it. Regardless, it simply cannot be a pool because a pool is a little blue plastic thing we had back at our last place. I sure hope Mom gets me a pool for this coming summer!

Besides the huge water bowl outside, inside has created some special times. First I love this little room that has two sides and allows me to catch up to Dog rather easily.  I am not sure if Dog likes it as much as me, as I often find her with a look of agitation on her face. But Mom and I play hide and seek around it, which is rather thrilling.  It’s a great little area and gives me lots of room to plan my tricks on the family.

My favorite place to rest when Mom is taking a shower is something that makes Mom rather agitated, it’s between the toilet and the shower. She says it’s the dirtiest place I could find to lay, but I think it is the best!!

There is a wonderful tree out back that produces some wonderfully tasty leaves and even better bark! Yet again Mom says I can’t eat that stuff, so I do it when she is not looking, yet I think she figures it out later when I dash outside to go number two.

 

I’ve also taken back up hiding under the guest bed. I really don’t fit anymore, but I love it almost as much as my spot between the toilet and shower.

Other than that, it is pretty much the same as the old place. My favorite of favorite places to sleep is still here,  (on Mom’s arm) but Mom is still busy, and I am not longer a puppy. So I have now decided that since we can’t have two Dogs on this blog, that Dog will stay Dog, and I will become Awesome. Although I can think of another good name for Dog, Mom says it’s not appropriate. I wonder why? She is a rather grumpy female dog…

Halloween Horror…On My Body!

I’ve often read in my glossy magazines about women walking up and discovering they have more wrinkles on their face or that something is suddenly sagging. And I’ve always thought, ‘You can’t just wake up one day and BOOM discover something…age-related!!’ It doesn’t happen that way! These women are crazy!

Until it happened to me!

I shyly state that I am 30…and for the most part, do not look 30, nor is ANYTHING dragging, dropping, or sagging. But as I dressed this morning the light from the bedroom window hit the right side of my butt and like the North Star, reflecting boldly, was….

CELLULITE!!!!! OH THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear it was not there on Wednesday!

I can’t determine where it came from, how it attached itself so quickly, but I do know, it won’t go away! Sadly, about two months ago I bought a new two piece bathing suit…well HELL, I guess I need to go back out and get one with ruffles on the butt, or one of those scarfy-things the women tie around their waists to look stylish and cover up.

I can try that Nivea Body Good-Bye Cellulite Gel Cream. But I think it only lasts for half a day and I surely don’t think it is water-proof!

How is it so easy to be taken over by a greedy night-time-latching-cellulite intruder! I think I will paint every wall black, and throw out all the light bulbs. I might as well eat that Halloween candy now…Oh you better believe I know where I will find it in the morning…

Puppy’s Anger With Cell Phones

Morning! It’s puppy here. What a great morning for me, no more antibiotics! Horray!

Okay, now to get to an important issue I’ve been having….cell phones.

I’m not sure why everyone I meet has one of these things. What is it that you people do on them that is so important? Sometimes they even seem to make people mad. I’ve seen it before, they get mad at them and throw them or slam them on the table. If so many people hate them why have them?

Secondly, Mommy is on her cell phone a lot. Well I am not sure what a lot is but, it seems to be a lot to me. Do you know how I know that it is officially time to start the day? I hear the cell phone turn on. And how do I know when the day is over? I hear the cell phone turn off. At least I assume that is what it is doing since after it makes that noise Mommy doesn’t get happy or angry or busy on it.

Of course Daddy has one too, only his makes a lot more noise than Mommy’s cell phone. What is so important that you can only  discuss with your fingers?!

Then there is a guy that comes over, I will call him, Friend. Friend must be really special because it doesn’t beep, but shakes and sometimes it even yells profanity!! But it shakes a lot, more than Mommy’s or Daddy’s cell phone beeps. But I let it slide with Friend because he plays with me THE ENTIRE TIME he is here!!!! Can you believe that?! So you can see why I ignore his cell phone habit.

But really humans! What is it with these things?! Do you need them that much? And why is it that sometimes when it beeps you say “I can’t see it all on here,” and have to go get on these computers?! It’s like a cycle!

If I could, I would take Mommy’s cell phone and chew it on all the corners, then take it outside and poop on it!

Have you people thought about barking?!

Dog Interviews Puppy

Dog here.

So a nice lady by the name of Cheri suggested I interview Puppy. Why? I’m not entirely sure, but I’m going to take a shot in the dark and say because every one lovvvveeeesssss Puppy. Whatever!

So I got out the microphone and set up everything to record. Below you will find the transcript. Please try not to make me puke with “oh how cute is Puppy” comments.

Thanks, Dog

Dog: Okay Puppy, so I’m going to interview you and you just talk into the – no Puppy don’t eat the microphone. Puppy! Gosh dang it! No don’t lick it either, just leave it. Leave it! LEAVE IT!

Puppy: Sorry it looks yummy. Wait, why are you big in the picture and I’m all small and far away?! Are you actually smiling?

Dog: Nevermind the picture. First question Puppy, you enjoy putting an array of objects into your mouth, have you ever considered being a spokes-puppy for Orbit gum?

Puppy: Orbit gum. No, I don’t think gum is on Mommy’s approved food list. Why?

Dog: Dirty mouth! Clean it up with – oh nevermind. Okay next question. How did you master the skill of holding two tennis balls in your mouth and peeing at the same time?

Puppy: I do that?! WOW that’s cool! Does Mommy know I do that?!

Dog: I think Mom knows you do that. Next question. No Puppy, don’t eat the microphone! Leave it! LEAVE IT!

Puppy: Sorry, I forgot.

Dog: Why is it that you bother me so much?

Puppy: I bother you? Really? Nah I’m just wanting you to play with me. You are so uptight. Is it cause you are old?

Dog: I don’t know. Are you annoying because you are young? Nevermind. Next question, did you intentionally learn how to spray water at me from the water bowl?

Puppy: I knew I had gotten you! HAHA. You acted like it never happened. Yes! Score! But I haven’t been able to do it since. It was cool though, you have to admit. I just got my mouth full with water and lifted my face out of the bowl just in time and BOOM a personal water pistol. I got you twice, it was so cool!

Dog: Should we really still be referring to you as Puppy on Mom’s blog? You are as big as me now.

Puppy: I am only 8 months old. So I’m not even a year yet. Once I turn a year old maybe we can just call me Awesome! Dog, your eyes just did something funny. What was that? They all went around, like rolling.

Dog:  Nevermind that. Any final words Puppy?

Puppy: Everyday is an adventure, so get out there and enjoy it. What about you Dog?

Dog: Everyday is an opportunity for a nap, so don’t bother those who are trying to take one.

Puppy: Are we done? Can I eat the microphone now?

Dog: Yes and NO!

Puppy: Yes and no what? I’m confused. Can we play, oh let’s get Mommy to get out our pool!

Dog: You busted a hole in that thing Puppy.

Puppy: She doesn’t know, it’s a slow leak. Come on! Help me bug her! Come on! Come on! COME ON!!!