Dear Costco

Dear Costco,

It has been a while since my last letter to you, I’ve been busy. A few days ago I had the pleasure of being in your store, yet I have a complaint. Somehow I ended up with the worst shopping cart in the entire store.

As a petite woman I already look ridiculous in your store of mega size items, most of which I can’t even get a grip on as they slide to the floor. However, I usually go with The Husband, but this time I went alone. So added to my pettiness was this awful cart! It didn’t steer where I need it to, then as I piled items into the cart it got worse. As I rounded every corner I made a face, which all the guys in the store either took as A) feel sorry for the petite chick trying to push a cart that is clearly bigger and heavy then her or B) they enjoyed what they thought was a sex face expression.

The worst of it came when I tried adding a 40 pound bag of dog food to the cart, as I shoved my foot behind the wheel to keep the cart from moving, I think I might have pulled something. Then there was a point when I couldn’t get the cart to stop fast enough and nearly took out a nearby child who insisted  he get the 800 pack of chocolate milk and that flailing his arms around would help in the matter. His mom didn’t seem to mind that I almost cart-killed him.

In closing I will say that while I respect your store and your ability to make me buy things in packs of ten, the carts need to be reviewed, take them through some inspections.

Sincerely,

What Is With The Mini Size Candy Bars!! That’s Just Rude!

Costco

Dear Costco,

Thanks for sending out another coupon book. I see you provided me with a coupon for your 30 count of Skittles/Starburst variety pack and noticed it includes Lifesaver Gummies. Apparently you have yet again, under estimated my lack of willpower. LIFESAVER GUMMIES!!!

Good call on the frozen pizza coupons (this brand actually made it into Fitness magazine!)

Bad call on the Diet Snapple coupon. Diet anything shouldn’t be given a coupon.

I’m not sure why I need 1,750 Q-tips, but they don’t expire so, why not!

I do see there is no age limit on the coupon for the Ultra Fortress Play System…does this mean I don’t need a child to purchase this wonderful contraption? Also do you also sell overly large trampolines?

Sincerely,

I Really Hope I Can’t Find The 30 Count Variety Pack

Costco

Dear Costco,

First I must commend you on hiding the 30 pack of candy bars, I can’t seem to find them anywhere now. I know you still have them, but good job from hiding them from me. However, I must continue this letter on a negative note.

I’m not really sure what you had your sample ladies making and handing out, but they stunk. I mean REALLY stunk. And there was a fruit-juice-natural sample guy just on the other side of the stinky samples and I think because he kept saying “it’s natural!” customers were assuming the wrong thing.

Lastly I must go off about your packaging. I purchased a 16-pack of razor refills, yes, just the tiny little cartridges that go on the end. They take up very little space in the package itself. However you would’ve thought I had bought a sword set! I could barely shove the package sideways into my car. Really I don’t need things to be over packaged just to feel better about spending the large wades of money your store sucks out of me. I assure you I will spend it regardless of the size package you’ve put it in.

Sincerely,

No Seriously, Where Are Those Candy Bars?!?!

Costco

Dear Costco,

Thank you for the brownie sample lady at one end of the store and the bread sample lady at the other end yesterday. However, your best decision was putting the energy drink sample man in the middle, it really kept my energy up as I went back and forth. But…please speak with the brownie sample lady as I found it rude when she slapped my hand away as I reached for my 7th sample.

Sincerely,

The 30 pack of candy bars is still within my reach

Costco

Dear Costco,

Since you have done such a great job handing out food and beverage samples, may I suggest you start giving out gasoline samples? I feel that providing gasoline samples would increase new memberships incredible, as well as get existing members switch to purchasing gasoline from you. And 15-gallons would be an adequate amount to properly test the gasoline quality.

Sincerely,

Simply relocating the 30-pack of candy bars didn’t work; I’m very good at hide and seek.

Costco

Dear Costco,

How nice of you to sell a convenient box of 30 candy bars. First I must recommend that you speak with the candy company and request they put more than three, 3 Musketeers, in there. On second had, please just stop selling these convenient boxes or put them on a shelf I can’t reach. I would like my waist and whanot to remain the same size.

Sincerely,

I’ve Already Eaten One Bar